Now, now, now don’t step into judgement mode: “eww that bitch is nasty”. I can hear your sweet, positive voices now running with the title and spreading the rumor that the Puerto Rican chick doesn’t like to bathe. I actually love it but it is quite the job. I only take showers now because my days are so busy and taking a bath just requires too much time and effort.
The Dreaded Bath Rundown
1. Clean your sanctuary- I know you’re not going to sit your bare ass on that germ infested porcelain and leave your crack to be damned.
2. The sound of Music- This is supposed to be an escape right? So, you have to find the right music that will set the tone. You can’t be running the loofah sponge up and down your thighs while NWA’s “F#$& the Police” plays in the back ground or can you?
3. Light it Up- Come on this is the one time when you get to do “your part” in conserving energy and turning a damn light off for once. But it has to be the right candle too, it has to give off the right scent that creates the perfect vibe. Not like the candle my mom’s friend gave me for the holidays (obviously from the Dollar Tree) that smells like rancid ass meets French armpit.
4. Fill It Up- Let’s be honest, that shit takes forever! You can go do ten things to get dirty while the tub fills up but you can’t because you have to monitor the temperature OR you might be in a scalding water predicament like the myself at the nail shop with the vindictive Vietnamese lady that got mad at me because I told her to not ask me personal questions while holding my feet.
5. Now What?- Tell the truth, how many times do you get into a tub to “relax” and become incredibly restless after the bath. You sit in there believing you are in a scene from “Desperate Housewives” and ooh you are feeling so sexy but REALLY? You’re sitting in that bitch by your damn self. You can only “ooh” it up so much, time to get out, I’m bored. Just me???
6. Time to really wash your ass- After the “bath”, you know you have to take a shower? After that sexy ass bath, you realize that you are sitting in that tub soaking in all of the shit you came across in hours passed and really there’s only one true way to rid of it by rinsing it off and seeing the filth down the drain.
7. After the magical moment- You look in that tub and see that offensive ring that indicates you might not be washing properly on a consistent basis and find yourself on your knees scrubbing away at your self embarrassment and now you have put in a full shift that could actually breed compensation at let’s say a freakin job.
Who has the time? I’d rather just take a shower.