The Top 5 Reasons Why I Need to Get My Life Together According the Net!

In this recent wave of negativity I have discovered that it is very easy to get caught up in the hype of gloom.  After reading comments about me on YouTube and LipStick Alley I could easily fall into a frenzy of defending myself and responding to the obviously embittered and sometimes downright cowardly internet bully community.  Instead I decided to work on me, in reality, that is the only person I can really change.  So here it goes, again in my most honest voice I will address some of the internet ganstas that have much to say about me.

5.  “You need to lose some weight, you fat, black, dirty pig, I hate you.”  Yes, I probably do.  I am sure that you are in tip top shape with all of the exercising you are getting on that key board.  And I am certain that you are beautiful and perfect which is why your profile picture is a picture of Taylor Swift.  You have to be thin, beautiful, talented and accomplished which is why you have the time to post 1,407 YouTube videos on your page.

4. “You hating bitch, you a hoe, you a bitch.”– Yes I am a hater, I probably the only person that has ever “hated” in the world.  Which is why when you Wikipedia “hating” a picture of me pops up with me stabbing a picture of Beyonce.  Hating is something you would never do, your IQ would never allow to engage in such a lowly activity.  I mean your vocabulary dictates that you are probably the shining star of your Mensa group.

3. “She stole that joke from Comic View.”  You got me!  I actually know many 5’10 Puerto Rican/Dominicans that were moved from Washington Heights to Miami that performed on Comic View.  As a matter of fact they had so many of us on the show, that we were banned from the show, because the lines were getting blurry and the story so common.  Thank you for pointing that out, I will work harder on telling my life story without the uncanny resemblance of the lives of the many African American males that were on BET in the 90’s, my bad.  You know the Puerto Rican woman and the Black Man, it’s so hard to distinguish between the two.

2. “This bitch ain’t even funny.” I know right?  I don’t know why I continue to delude myself into thinking that I can make people that don’t read, laugh.  I struggle with this shit daily, man I am so glad that you logged on today so that YOU can change my life’s purpose.  Because you are sooooooo important to society, I mean whatever would we do without that video you have on the net doing the Dougie in front of those 3 toddlers that look up to you.

1. ” This bitch, needs Jesus.” Were you taught to use “Jesus” and “bitch” in the same sentence, I mean it definitely has a greater impact.

It is amazing how some people can influence  your life.  When the cerebral community gets together to make a collective decision about us, we must listen.

BEWARE: If You Don’t Like Curse Words

I overheard one of thee dumbest conversations I have EVER heard regarding child support.  It went a little something like this…

Dumb Ass #1  That Bitch is trying to get him for child support.

Dumb Ass #2 What is wrong with her?  Doesn’t he see his kids? 

Dumb Ass #1 Yeah, he does, he is a good dad.  She is just hating because he is living with me.

Dumb Ass #2 She must want some money for dumb shit, it shouldn’t be about the money, it should be about the kids.

Alright, that is all I can stand quoting without losing brain cells.

By the way, you DUMB ASS BITCHES, this dumb shit you speak of is what?  Food, clothes, shelter, medical care…etc…BASIC FREAKIN NECESSITIES, you useless, awful broads!

As of late I keep hearing this continuous argument about how it shouldn’t be about the money.  I totally agree that you should never make the children feel like they have a price tag on their heads, but damn, don’t use this as an excuse to undermine a very important factor in being the majority caretaker of a child…MONEY!

All of a sudden the pursuit of money has become a bad thing…and yes mothers are now being judged for seeking the financial compensation from an absentee parent.  I am sure men go through this and I feel you should fellas should go get your money TOO!

Anyway, I want to address a more specific issue here, and bring it on if you disagree.  I am a single, sole providing mother that has had NO assistance in my journey.  I make no excuses, there are no victims here, this is a result of a bad choice THAT I MADE<—Understood.

Not taking care of your financial responsibility with your children is against the law.

Most child support court orders will allow a non-custodial parent to be incarcerated (put in jail) if they fail to obey the law of paying child support. A non-custodial parent can be sentenced to jail time for up to six months. While incarcerated, the parents are still responsible for the amount due and future payments.

Hey Man, not my doing…it’s just the law.

Therefore if you break the law you are a CRIMINAL and if you don’t know what that means click HERE

Sooooo, you women that are living with these men are harboring a criminal, that makes you an accomplice!  MEANING they should take your ass to jail too!

This should be YOU!

Same Thing Make You Laugh, Make You Cry!

Every Comedian has their foundation, mine is rooted in the pain of self destructive eating habits.  I have had an eventful life and as part of my journey I had a stop in the world of modeling.  Being 14, standing 5’10 and being ethnic during a time when it was fashionable, granted me an opportunity to explore the world of fashion.  An interesting world that is dominated by gay men setting the bar for what a woman should look like; the skinnier the better!  No wonder the white models look like Orlando Bloom and the black ones, Amistad.

There I was at an age when I was still in development, one thing was for sure, that my Puerto Rican/Dominican hips were going nowhere.  They were handed to me through my genes and would forever affect my ability to find jeans.

Nothing has changed, last year three models lost their battle with anorexia and were taken from the world very young.  So as I tell my story with a punchline attached, I feel that if there is no cause attached to what I am saying, I am really saying nothing.   I get many emails from women that feel my pain, every day women that feel that pressure to meet this ridiculous standard set by the magnificent people at Vogue and Elle.

This Is Who I Will Never Be!

I will never be a size 4 again, this used to make me cry and sometimes still does.  I have been told by agents, managers and industry folks that I should lose more weight and the curse of “thinner” continues.  So, I tell jokes about it and my vengeance is reflected in my set.  I want to release the everyday woman of this farce that these people actually look like this without any help.  It’s easy to have a flat stomach after 4 kids when you can afford a plastic surgeon to be in the delivery room.  It’s easy to maintain your weight when you have a personal chef and trainer.  And even when you have those things, there is this reality that your body gravitates to its natural body weight whether you like it or not, hence Oprah.  And what is wrong with that?  Nothing, I am sure Oprah only loses sleep for her quite lucrative work!

No preaching here…ladies this is my tribute to you.  Claim your life, embrace your true you and remember you are your prettiest when you are being you!  I will continue to fight the good fight, one mic at a time.

*** “I’ve been in overeaters anonymous for a couple decades – i used to be a dancer and the hell of body obsession and obsession with being a size zero (which is impossible for my body type anyway) drove me insane. seeing you up on stage and how goddess-like you are brings me one step further to loving “what is” about myself. after 19 years of not bingeing, the body obsession still lingers. yet “keeping it real” like you do, helps me look in the mirror and smile.”  Anonymous
*** As a 5’11” former model who said she quit the industry because she “got tired of being hungry all the time,” Aida had a physical grace and elegance that made for an interesting contrast with her brash, outspoken comedic style.  On topics ranging from her Puerto Rican heritage to her experiences in the modeling industry to a hilarious reinterpretation of Memoirs of a Geisha, Aida Rodriguez’s no holds barred style of comedy kept the audience roaring.  An especially striking feature of Aida’s performance was the way she immediately drew the audience into her and infused us with her own energy. –Niclole Force, The Examiner

Asher Brown and Tyler Clementi: No Laughing Matter!

 

Tyler Clementi, 18

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My thoughts and prayers to the families of the two young men (Asher Brown, 13 and Tyler Clementi, 18) that took their lives after being bullied for their sexual orientations. Shame on those that use religion or anything else as the tool to unleash hate and judgement.  This has apparently become a trend as being mean is now such a cool thing.  Parents you know when your kid is the bully and some think it’s cool because your child isn’t the “weak” one.  It always turns “Bully” and at one point you will be on the other end of it.  The people that support this behavior are the ones that kick others when they are down, make fun of anyone when the opportunity presents itself and have no respect for anyone.  Congrats to the parents that send these awful souls out into the world without accountability or conscience.  Didn’t think prison would be an option, did you?  To the young lady and man that invaded Tyler’s privacy and posted his personal business on the internet, I don’t have to wish you bad, life will take care of you.  To those kids that beat Asher and kicked him down the stairs the day before he shot himself in the head with a 9 mm, life has a great one for you too.  But to the parents of these society wrecking monsters, hats off to you for tending to the most important part of parenting: raising a decent human being.  Cheers.