The Battle with Food Continues!

Food is great!  I hate food!  This is the internal battle that I’ve been having with food since I was a kid.  It really all started with a consciousness that I had never had about eating healthy, then my family jumped off at “Seventh Day Adventism” during their religious tour. Though, I wasn’t cool with giving up my earrings, pants and Saturday cartoons, I was not that bothered by not ever having to eat a disgusting ham steak ever again.  We gave up pork and this made me happy because I never really ate it without feeling disgusting and guilty afterwards, sorry guys.

Today I am on a juice fast and I continue to think about why I am constantly on a rollercoaster with this, when I do these things for my health, allegedly.  I can’t deny that the weight loss sometimes drives me and pulls me through when that Spinach, Kale and Chard juice is looking me right in the eye.  I mean who are we kidding, most women are constantly being reminded of how they should look more times over than how they should feel.  So a good “Juice Fast” is a great way to diet under the pretenses that you are really fighting for good health. COME ON, let’s be real with each other.

It sucks that what is being done to our food, environment and selves can be deadly in the name of profit, I used to enjoy a FRENCH FRY!  I say all of this to say my friends, that I will be juicing on and off for the next two years and I am not happy about it.  I want to eat a burger, but I honestly can’t, because meat makes me extremely sick (it’s pretty unfair).  Kale chips suck ass and green juice does NOT taste good to me, but crab legs are amazingly delicious, and sometimes I can’t cope!  Too much?

Battling with self destructive eating disorders are pretty common and unfortunately many of us do not know that we are in that battle.  It has a lot to do with constant images of these adolescent boy-body built women they continue to push on us as the standard of beauty. I can only speak on it from where I stand, but I honestly remember admiring my grandmother and being comfortable with growing into an old lady and being awesome.  Now, all I am reminded of is how I need to look and stay young forever.  Shit, that’s a whole lot of work for a goal that can never be accomplished.

I’m ranting because I’m hungry, I want to go to PF Chang’s, my favorite Cuban restaurant and McDonald’s all at once.  These are all of the things that I crave when I feel deprived, that I don’t normally eat, but this damn Kale can really get to you.

In closing, keep your head up (especially my ladies), trust me,  you are beautiful just the way you are.  Doing anything to improve your health is a great thing, it’s OK to be honest about dropping a few pounds being a motivator.  Just don’t get carried away and become a slave to this like I have for years!  It’s not worth it, life is worth living and you honestly deserve that french fry every once in a while!

theatrical

Oh Baby I like it RAW: DAY 4

Day 4 was interesting for me, I shook things up a little, I get bored easily.  I started my day with another juice, this time carrots, apples and ginger (Phew, that apple makes a world of a difference).  I have a fitness training app on my phone that gives me different work outs and I decided to do one for 30 minutes.  I thought it was going to be a joke because I was doing this with my phone, but the joke was on me:  my AZZ hurts!  It was circuit training (plyometric exercises that make your ass hurt) and all of the exercises were timed.  I had my fruits and veggies during the day, cashews were my snack of choice and it was all good.  For dinner TADA…I had Raw Nachos from my local favorite raw restaurant and raw ice cream, yeah you read that right.    The ice cream was absolutely DELICIOUS!  As a matter of fact, I am still day dreaming about it now.  Check out the pic below, this is how I imagine it.

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Absolute DeliciousNESS!

The Ugly Truth! Detox day 2

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Today was day 2 of my detox and I gotta tell you (as the above picture shows) it got ugly.  I didn’t do so well eating completely raw and my workout was, as they say in New York, nervous!!!  I did half of an Ab workout and quit, I was so weak.  I ate some noodles and popcorn (THIS IS SO NOT GOOD), but I have to keep it 100.  So I tried to balance out the day by drinking lots of water and not eating anything else that wasn’t raw.

There’s is nothing to do but move forward and be real about where we stand.  I could lie to you but the scale would tell me the TRUTH!  I will admit that today I wished that I was in a live game of “Candy Land” so that I could delight in endless gumdrops, peppermints and lollipops.  I know that it’s the addiction to toxins in my body that call for these and am gearing up for the battle.  Now, I will pick myself up by my cross trainers and hit the beat, yet again.  I HAVE A GOAL and it does not entail having a tire between my chest and knees.  Let’s keep going, I promise, tomorrow will be better!

I Miss Taking Baths!

Now, now, now don’t step into judgement mode:  “eww that bitch is nasty”.  I can hear your sweet, positive voices now running with the title and spreading the rumor that the Puerto Rican chick doesn’t like to bathe.  I actually love it but it is quite the job.  I only take showers now because my days are so busy and taking a bath just requires too much time and effort.

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Rockstar Bathing

The Dreaded Bath Rundown

1. Clean your sanctuary- I know you’re not going to sit your bare ass on that germ infested porcelain and leave your crack to be damned.

2. The sound of Music- This is supposed to be an escape right?  So, you have to find the right music that will set the tone.  You can’t be running the loofah sponge up and down your thighs while NWA’s “F#$& the Police” plays in the back ground or can you?

3. Light it Up- Come on this is the one time when you get to do “your part” in conserving energy and turning a damn light off for once.  But it has to be the right candle too, it has to give off the right scent that creates the perfect vibe. Not like the candle my mom’s friend gave me for the holidays (obviously from the Dollar Tree) that smells like rancid ass meets French armpit.

4. Fill It Up- Let’s be honest, that shit takes forever!  You can go do ten things to get dirty while the tub fills up but you can’t because you have to monitor the temperature OR you might be in a scalding water predicament like the myself at the nail shop with the vindictive Vietnamese lady that got mad at me because I told her to not ask me personal questions while holding my feet.

5. Now What?- Tell the truth, how many times do you get into a tub to “relax” and become incredibly restless after the bath.  You sit in there believing you are in a scene from “Desperate Housewives” and ooh you are feeling so sexy but REALLY?   You’re sitting in that bitch by your damn self.  You can only “ooh” it up so much, time to get out, I’m bored.  Just me???

6. Time to really wash your ass- After the “bath”, you know you have to take a shower?  After that sexy ass bath, you realize that you are sitting in that tub soaking in all of the shit you came across in hours passed and really there’s only one true way to rid of it by rinsing it off and seeing the filth down the drain.

7. After the magical moment- You look in that tub and see that offensive ring that indicates you might not be washing properly on a consistent basis and find yourself on your knees scrubbing away at your self embarrassment and now you have put in a full shift that could actually breed compensation at let’s say a freakin job.

Who has the time?  I’d rather just take a shower.

GOOGLE ME, BITCH!

My name is Aida Rodriguez, a very common name for Latin women world-wide.  How do I know this?  Because I, like most people in the world, Google myself to see what comes up.  Not only did I find out some interesting things about myself on the net, I also learned what many of my fellow namesakes are doing in the world to keep the name spicy.

Here’s what we found:

There is a woman who has decided to bring honor and justice to our name.  She is an “Attorney at Law”, ooh, makes me feel not as big in the world.  I actually think that she and I kinda do the same thing:  we both put on a performance, hope to get some laughs and convince our audience to side with us.  She’s the fancy pants of the “Aida Rodriguez” operation and seems to have an office in a really good neighborhood, unlike my apartment building.

“Aida Rodriguez has passed away!”  A blog post reads, and I have to tell you that it was pretty sad to see me go.  Good to know that she made a good name for us in the great state of Pennsylvania.  She was loved by many and was an amazing spirit, at least that’s what the blog says.  Makes me wonder if this is true, or just the stuff people say after someone dies.  She, apparently was good for cooking and inviting people from the community over for a meal.  I do that too,  but you must provide wine and spirits.  RIP Aida, thanks for making a good name for us.

I also found some bad girls wearing the “Aida Rodriguez” badge and I gotta tell you that I don’t know if I want to mention those bitches right now because I am a bit disappointed  BUT we gotta take the good with the bad.

Aida Rodriguez –Wanted in Arizona for purposely giving her partners (yes, plural) the Herpes virus.  When they catch her, we need to have a talk.  I think I am going to request a name change.

And finally, the Aida Rodriguez  whose picture on Google Images had a promoter questioning my funny.  She is in jail for a home invasion in my native Florida, she looks like she is no joke!  I have provided a photo,  YOU  tell me what you think.

God always finds a way to keep me humbled, this is the one instance where I am not so happy about it.  See, I could never indulge in the infamous attitudinal “Google Me Bitch” because truly it might end up in me never getting a phone call again, ever!

The Top 5 Reasons Why I Need to Get My Life Together According the Net!

In this recent wave of negativity I have discovered that it is very easy to get caught up in the hype of gloom.  After reading comments about me on YouTube and LipStick Alley I could easily fall into a frenzy of defending myself and responding to the obviously embittered and sometimes downright cowardly internet bully community.  Instead I decided to work on me, in reality, that is the only person I can really change.  So here it goes, again in my most honest voice I will address some of the internet ganstas that have much to say about me.

5.  “You need to lose some weight, you fat, black, dirty pig, I hate you.”  Yes, I probably do.  I am sure that you are in tip top shape with all of the exercising you are getting on that key board.  And I am certain that you are beautiful and perfect which is why your profile picture is a picture of Taylor Swift.  You have to be thin, beautiful, talented and accomplished which is why you have the time to post 1,407 YouTube videos on your page.

4. “You hating bitch, you a hoe, you a bitch.”– Yes I am a hater, I probably the only person that has ever “hated” in the world.  Which is why when you Wikipedia “hating” a picture of me pops up with me stabbing a picture of Beyonce.  Hating is something you would never do, your IQ would never allow to engage in such a lowly activity.  I mean your vocabulary dictates that you are probably the shining star of your Mensa group.

3. “She stole that joke from Comic View.”  You got me!  I actually know many 5’10 Puerto Rican/Dominicans that were moved from Washington Heights to Miami that performed on Comic View.  As a matter of fact they had so many of us on the show, that we were banned from the show, because the lines were getting blurry and the story so common.  Thank you for pointing that out, I will work harder on telling my life story without the uncanny resemblance of the lives of the many African American males that were on BET in the 90’s, my bad.  You know the Puerto Rican woman and the Black Man, it’s so hard to distinguish between the two.

2. “This bitch ain’t even funny.” I know right?  I don’t know why I continue to delude myself into thinking that I can make people that don’t read, laugh.  I struggle with this shit daily, man I am so glad that you logged on today so that YOU can change my life’s purpose.  Because you are sooooooo important to society, I mean whatever would we do without that video you have on the net doing the Dougie in front of those 3 toddlers that look up to you.

1. ” This bitch, needs Jesus.” Were you taught to use “Jesus” and “bitch” in the same sentence, I mean it definitely has a greater impact.

It is amazing how some people can influence  your life.  When the cerebral community gets together to make a collective decision about us, we must listen.

It’s Christmas again, WTF…

I was walking through the mall yesterday and abruptly bumped into a man walking out of Victoria’s Secret.  He was mumbling bad words with a scowl on his face holding what seemed to be somebody’s gift.  I would hate to be the recipient of that Seven Hundred Dollar Bra, it definitely came with a spirit, but I doubt a jolly one.  After that I began to look around and I have to say that the majority of the people looked unhappy, stressed out and downright pissed. Is that what the holiday season has become?  I feel bad for the people that really become enslaved by this and end up making that resolution in January to get their finances in order.  You are exactly who these corporations make these ads and commercials for that eventually lead to duress and financial pressure.

I am not purchasing anything for anyone for Christmas, I don’t believe in it.  Perhaps you’ll receive a gift from me on December 28th or January 11th or perhaps when I get some fucking money.  Are you going to stop being my friend because I didn’t give you anything on the 25th of December?  Really?  Then kick rocks now, consider yourself warned.

I don’t believe in it and I won’t be a slave to it, call me what you want.  I don’t remember any gifts that I received when I was little, maybe a few memorable things, but for the most part no.  I remember my mother cooking an amazing meal, my uncles dancing with me and my grandmother telling stories about her old Puerto Rico…that is the tradition I want to continue in my family.  I asked everyone that matters to make to me something with materials that they already have, this will be an exercise that will bring us closer.  For the most part we are staying away from the malls and madness and are enjoying one another for what we really represent in eachothers’ lives:  constant, unconditional love and that doesn’t come with a price tag.  Hey Santa, fuck you too!