I know that I haven’t been writing much, I have been dealing with the “ups and downs” of life and trying to figure out how to make those funny. I know that I am not the only one that deals with bouts of road rage, financial frustration, parental bliss and being appalled about how stupidity is trending…in life! I am back and I hope to stay here, as I know that many are outraged at my audacity to speak the things as I see them, notice I didn’t say ” as they are” because that would make me an asshole.
This time, instead of writing the summary of my year and sending out the same positive messages that you can read on everyone else’s timeline, I decided to send out a different message. A couple of things for you to carry with you in 2015, consider this a little gift from me to you. If you find yourself to be one of these uptight people that like to judge others, think you’re better than us and can do no wrong…pay closer attention as I help you pull that stick out of your ass.
Here we go!
1. I want you to walk up to your nearest mirror and repeat these words:
I AM THE SHIT! — Never mind what your mother, father, step-father, priest, teacher, neighborhood bully or ice cream man told you. Take a deep breath and repeat three times as you look deeply into your own eyes.
2. Now I want you to ask yourself one simple question, still in the mirror.
Are you ready? Ask yourself this in your best Snoop Dogg voice.
WHAT’S MY MOTHERFUCKIN NAME? That’s right, go ahead, answer yourself in your most authentic, swagger-driven voice. If you can’t say that shit with conviction and confidence, nobody else will. If not you, then who?
3. It’s going to get a little more difficult as we go, roll with me, I want you to win. *Note: I even want those that I don’t like to win.
Remember the person that hurt you the most, the one that did epic damage. Now say this, as loud as you can.
FUCK YOU (insert asshole’s name here),
Even after all that you have done to me, I forgive you bitch. I hope that you get all that you deserve in life. My goals have changed in life now that I am on the path to winning, so my only wish with regards to you is amnesia. My desire is to forget all of the whack, tired ass bull that you have ever done to me, because I have shit to do.
4. NOW, we’re cooking, still with me? OK, this one is probably the best one and it happens to take place before the one that’s the most fun. I did that on purpose.
See that name you wrote in #3? Now put your name in the asshole slot and repeat what you said.
OK, after you’re done crying, screaming or whatever you are doing, it’s time to get your pimp step up and get ready for the game Champ.
Turn on your favorite song to dance to, turn it up (fuck the neighbors) and look in that mirror and DANCE, DANCE, DANCE. Dance like nobody is watching and even if they were, who gives a damn…you’re the shit, remember? Now tell’em what you’re motherfuckin name is.
Take 2015 and make it your bitch!
(Note* They say Ted Bundy and Hitler didn’t use profanity.)